The Gospel According to Kristin

Okay so it’s 7:31am and I am awake.  Unlike the rest of my counterparts (or even the rest of the working world…it’s Sunday for God’s sake) I am here, at my computer, blogging for the first time in monthes.  I’ve decided that maybe I should try and start blogging.  It would be good for me.  I need to sometimes just go on a good rant.  And if no one is freaking reading this, well you know what, to quote Rhett Butler, “quite frankly {my dear} I don’t give a damn.”  God I need to rent and re-watch that movie.

Anyway, back to the point.  I am awake becuase it was one of those nights where so much was running through my head that I LITERALLY could not sleep.  I tried breathing and counting my deep breaths til I got to 100 (no one ever makes it to 100, right?) WRONG!  I subconsciously counted to ninety eight while thinking about other things and then was like “screw this, I’m not going to fall asleep in the next two breathes.”

Tonight was one of the few times when I sincerely wished I was a narcoleptic (SP?), but alas, no, I can’t fall asleep on command.  So, after trying for three hours, at 3:30 am I went downstairs with my computer and started puttering.  You’d be amazed what can fill the space of four hours when you are puttering.  I checked email, printed out college apps, investigated getting Brebeuf a mock trial team, made myself a “draw pile to-do list” (never heard of it?  basically you put all the tasks you have to do on little scraps of paper and draw one at random…that way you actually end up doing the sucky tasks that you normally would push until…well…never.  you draw, you do!).

And I finally decided to blog.  I dunno why but it sounded appealing.  But now, of course, though in opening this I was adament about actually writing something meaningful, I realize I futzed around for about three paragraphs.   My eyelids are drooping.  Of course, the remedy for my getting to sleep is always to try and force myself to produce something meaningful.  At that point I always start making excuses about why nothing meaningful is coming out and how tired I am (and then my brain psyches itself into believing I’m actually tired).

Alright…I’ma salvage this blog post here and now.  So…fake-audience…here is a list of things you might want to know, or might never knew you wanted to know but really will find meaningful or helpful at some point in your life becuaes you will never forget this because right now while you are reading this you will be thinking what the fug was she thinking writing this and therefore it will stick in your head because you will be so irritated/confused.

1. That was the longest nonsensical run-on ever, but it made sense in my brain.  So, tough luck, reader.

2. If you are wondering what the aforementioned fug means, I have an answer.  No, it was not a typo.  Apparently Norman Mailer, in writing his first book, sent it to a publishing out, who returned it saying this is great writing but dude, you drop the f-bomb every other line.  Clean it up or no dice.  Mailer, pissed as hell because even though it was 1948 and no one talked like that, felt the leavign out of every other word in his book (which really was the f word), ruined the integrity of the novel, decided to screw the publishing company and found and replaced (not on a computer, mindyou, we are talking 1948) every single f word and wrote fug.  So, in homage to his “sticking it to the man” and “freedom of press” and “artistic license” statements, I’ve switched every f-bomb to fug.  Sounds better anyway.

3. Sorry.  That was a long story to essentially say Norman Mailer:fug::modern teenagers:effing.  Dontcha love analogies.  Thank God they were removed from the SAT.  Apparently nobody, even language prodigies succeeded on those.

4. I’m a little disappointed that the IU app (which I downloaded while puttering) has no essay.  I mean, come on.  All of us Hoosiers are supposed to believe this is a good school (which it is) and pick to go there (for free) instead of trying for better schools, yet this school couldn’t even ask us to write one single thing.  An app for a “good school” should take longer than 20 minutes and should not be advertised as such.

5. If you are looking for a good, short, end-of-the-summer read, please pick up “Perks of Being a Wallflower.”  I normally don’t like books like this, but it is a great book (though some of those conservative Christian PTA moms would tell you that we should burn it…did you know that in the state of Wisconsin they literally want to burn the books…with real fire.  I mean, come on, waht century are we in?  I realize that we may not be passed metaphorical “book burning,” but I thought real book burning was beyond us. Couldn’t the moms even go for a gas fire…!). 

6. A good song to listen to when you have been up all night and are starting your second Diet Coke (even though you quit two monthes ago) is “Dare You to Run” by Switchfoot.  It was in “Walk to Remember,” (boys, if you haven’t seen it, it is a legitimately good chick movie…don’t take your girlfriends to see it though.  You will get no action as they will be fixed on the hottie playing the lead who has a sensitive side).  But “Dare You to Run” makes you feel enlightened…though anything might at 7:47.

7.  The phenomenon of staying up all night is funny.  This morning I feel incredibly dirty and like I need to shower immediately because I feel like all night I’ve been accumulating dust.  Though when I wake up most mornings, I feel a small desire to shower, it is nothing compared to the urgency I feel now.  Though I acquired the same amount of dust and am no less grimy than if I had been asleep, I do, in fact, feel much dirtier than if I were slumbering.

8. The word ad infinitum is a great word, but I always say it wrong.  It is pronounced add in fin EYE tumm, yet I always say ad in fin IT umm.  This is awful, as it seriously decreases the amount of smartness people think I have when I mispronounce the big words that I use.

9.  Have you ever noticed that if you talk really fast and sound like you know what you are talking about, no one will call you on it?  I can BS all day long so long as my posture, tone, and attitude are correct.  Literally could say “I think that the country of Africa needs to work on their problem with the avian flu becuase of course we are having a serious outbreak internatinoally right now” and no one would be like “Kristin, wtf?”  Throw in a few big words and a reference (false, of course) to NYT, and you are good.

10. It is very bright at 7:52 in the morning.  So much so that I know today I will not sleep til tonight.  What a great phrase.  Anyway, that’s it for now.  I will check in again later.

Hey everyone.  I know this is late, but I’m going to try and slide by with full credit for this assignment as I was laid up in bed all week.  Good enough excuse?  If you think so, feel free to share with Ms. Haffley.  Haha.

Anyway, I had a lot of things running through my mind this last week.  What with coming back from spring vacation, having surgery, celebrating Easter, and becoming seventeen all happening in the same week, I can hardly say I’ve had time to breathe.  And yet the world outside of Kristin Froehle continued on.  However, I did want to comment on one thing that stood out to my in the past seven days.

I think the old cliche saying goes that you don’t know what you have until it is gone.  I think a more appropriate phrase for me would sometimes be that I don’t know how much I have until I’m gone.  Then I need help, assistance, and company more readily than my busy schedule normally permits.  And that’s what I begged all my friends for: homework help, Diet Coke, and good conversation.  And everyone came through.  In ways I would have never believed.

I spent the entirty of my spring break alone.  Not in a bad, lonely, I’m-going-to-kill-myself alone, but in a way in which sometimes the sound of my footsteps around an empty convo was not sufficient.  However, the buzz of my cell phone kept me company as many of my friends called to check in, texted to say hello, or wasted a few hours of their time on me.  I got back on Sunday, and after dumping a load of stuff on other people for them to handle all week, I relaxed.  Completely oblivious to the fact that no one had complained about the fact that I was depending on them.  I then went into five hours of surgery the next day, again  unaware that my two loving parents refused to leave my unconscious side.  With the help of some kind nurses, I made it home that Monday afternoon.  And while I was completely wiped, I was still awake (and not drugged enough) to recognize the faces of my three visitors that afternoon.  They were all supportive, some bearing flowers, some bearing $100 care packages, some bearing smiles.  All bringing love.  I spent the next four days recovering slowly, with the aid of my mom who missed work and my grandmother who came from South Bend to take care of me.  The days were made shorter and less painful by the fact that every afternoon, at my side were kind faces, bringing gifts and conversation, but all very conscious of the fact that I might have to send them away early and rest.  I didn’t even realize I had so many friends.  By Saturday I was on the mend, even walking without crutches to some degree (okay, just across a room, but still!).  Saturday was interrupted quite nicely by a surprise birthday party for me, which my friends had organized.  The attendance was more than could be expected the day before Easter.  I waved goodbye to all of them that night, finally dazed by just how many people had showed they cared. The following day everyone at Church smiled and assited appropriately.  I spent the evening with my family, being interrupted periodically throughout the day by friends giving their best wishes for my health and happiness in the following year.

I don’t think it could have been more blatantly obvious, but I really had to have a huge sign to be able to show me just how many people I have at my side.  Sure, on a day-to-day basis I realize people care about me, but in true teenager fashion I often forget who is silently standing next to me, waiting for me to need them so that they can step in and become my hero.   I have appreciated SO much the help and love I have gotten in the past week.  I guess I’m slow in more than one way (for those of you who have seen me walk up the stairs, you will understand), because I never realized what a community surrounds me, and what a great one it is.

So it’s SPRING BREAK!  Finally!  Thank God for that.  However, I should start by explaining where I am.  I am in my favorite place on Earth.  Literally.  There is no place I love more than Beaver Creek, Colorado.  My family has been coming here for ten years to ski.  But given my injury, this year I am sitting out, which means spending time hanging out NOTskiing.  FYI…if you are not a huge shopping fan, there is not too much to do other than hang out in your forty-by-fifty condo.  It’s a nice place, but being there by yourself…not so much fun.  I predicted this though, and therefore planned ahead.  I’m not gonna lie, Ms. Haffley, I haven’t gotta too far into The Sparrow.  The plan was to finish it while I was on spring break, along with making up for all the AP Chem chapters I never read, read the AP Euro book, and prepare for several AP Exams.  And all that was supposed to get mixed into relaxing afternoons hanging by the pool and spa-ing.  For those of you who haven’t realized it, I live my life by the margins during the school year, getting only those things done that absolutely have to be done, and that pretty much eats up my time fully.  “Getting by” I do for those most part without spare time.  So even though all the teachers gave us no homework over spring break, I don’t think they realize that I have to do all the long term stuff over break now…or that’s what I told myself.

All I have to say now…what folly!  I forget how a morning can get eaten up by finishing your Diet Coke in front of the TV, taking a shower and taking an extra long time to get dressed (because it’s nice to take extra long when so many days you have five minutes to do your hair, put on makeup, and select the perfect outfit), and read a trashy novel on the couch while Good Morning America plays in the background.  The thing is, when you think about all the stuff you have to do, you don’t want to do any of it because your body is saying, “I need time to rest.”

And I think I realized something today.  We (all of us, me included), go so hard during the school year that when the time comes for a break, we need it desperately.  The sad part about it is that sometimes the break (hypothetically) should be for catching up on all the thigns you didn’t have time for during the year.  All those things I pushed back “until I have free time,” I now should be doing.  But what I need the most is to really just rest.

The phenomenon of catching up is a catch-22 (pun intended).  How can we possibly catch up on schoolwork and stuff we didn’t have time for when our bodies need us to catch up on rest, not stressing out, and sanity?  It’s an impossible balance to find, but I’m not quite sure how to find it yet.

I tend to be someone who understands things rather well.  Atleast, I flatter myself with such a notion.  However, I am shocked at how often I find myself right there with the rest of everyone else, not understanding until someone outright flashes it in front of my face and is like “Kristin!  Hello?  Get it now?”

I must admit that the Supernatural Aid game was one in which I found myself in the same position.  For this year, I always assumed that the hero journey’s Supernatural Aid meant that people were our supernatural aids.  However, it was this week when I was doing something KAIROS related when I found myself questioning that belief.  Although people along the way did help us in accomplishing our journey, it was gifts along the way that helped us to.  Maybe God gave you the gift of discernment along the way, or maybe some challenge you had put you staring down the skill of faith in way you never anticipated.  Don’t get me wrong, people are there to help you to, but sometimes they come baring gifts and tokens, and sometimes those tokens are the only portion of the Supernatural Aid you will ever see.

When I did this assignment, I left the classroom the day the assignment was given anticipating on hunting down all fifteen in one day.  Needless to say, by the end of that semi-hectic day, I had made a weeklong schedule about who I was going to see.  By the end of the week I had lost my assignment sheet, and by the following Monday the assignment was out of my head.  I had collected three.  Five was the minimum.  By last Friday I had seven or eight, which I felt was an adequate number.  Now, I’m not going to read into the whole numbers game, as I wasn’t aiming for a certain number.  I will however, suggest that perhaps because I don’t feel I’ve been called in major ways yet, or because I don’t feel that we should seek out supernatural aid (as they will come to you sometimes), I did not end up with all fifteen.  This fact surprised me at first, as normally I am one to drive myself for one hundred percent, but I think some of me was thinking, “why should I try when I have so many supernatural aids in my back pocket.”

Which brings me to my next realization.  As this assignment went on, it did lead me to do some thinking about my own supernatural aids.  Not that some of the teachers at this school do not take such a role in my life, but probably in a lesser capacity than some of my family and friends.  I found myself discovering two things.  One…that every person I’ve met has armed me with another something I would have if I’d never met them.  Two…supernatural aids come in all shapes and sizes, and we can’t judge them for being lesser or greater as every gift is special and significant to your journey.

What gifts did I end up with?  Well, while I don’t think some of these would be my first choices, I think that speaks to the fact that sometimes the gifts we don’t appreciate most are the ones we have, the ones we seek out, or the ones that (in the time of desperation) we rely on most.  I immediately sought out courage, mostly because the clue was rather simple, but in seeking that out I realize that that’s something i automatically wish for in greater capacity, as I tend to believe I lack courage (and am greatly terrified of being a coward).  Joy and Humor followed, both qualities I admire in those who have them.  Sometimes my seriousness or my drive masks these qualities in myself, so those that bring it out in me I readily seek!  I ended up with Integrity, a quality I do believe I have in full, (or rather one that I try for more than any other skill).  Wisdom came next…a trait to which I will never claim, but one I will always wish for.  Perserverence was also in that mix, along with strength.  These hand-in-hand gifts made me remember that not all gifts you can even pretend to possess until you have truly been tested.

All of the individuals I spoke to kindly offerred me their gifts, smiling and making conversation, despite the awkwardness of the moment.  This, most of all, reminded me to ask for help more because people want to give it.  No matter how awkward or embarrassing the asking is, in the end you will be rewarded with greatnesss.

I sat down to write this blog upon fiding out.  That’s right…the big one.  AKA (in the world of a teenage girl, the big one is kinda small!), Kristin Froehle getting surgery the first week of April.  Having never recieved surgery or any major medical procedure in my life (except stitches), I’m scared rediculous!  I was never one to be afraid of the doctor, one to be afraid of of being checked on (beyond being forced to step on the scale beforehand).  However, I am scared of anesthetics….something about not reciving a high enough dosage and being completely conscious and feeling during my oral surgery.  And I just found out I wil have two hours on an IV while I’m awake…fabulous!  Me being afraid of needles I’m sure will make that process interesting.

As they were explaining the procedure to me, I was thinking about the stupid things I’m afraid of.  I always wondered why we are afraid of things.  Stupid things.  Who the hell should care about whether or not there is a foot-long needle going into your arm.  It doesn’t hurt, that’s not what you’re afraid of.  Or how about spiders? What’s the deal with being afraid of something you are both bigger than and smarter than.  But there we are, being afraid.  I thought I would take this moment to list my three non-irrational fears.  God knows I only have a few.

1. Death.  Yep, that’s right.  I was never positive of the “something after” that makes people accepting of their end on this Earth.  I’m deathly afriad (no pun intended) of not having enough time to accomplish everything on that goal list.
2. My family leaving me here on Earth.  Everyone has to go, but I refuse to be the last one here.  Being all alone is worse than dying.  I don’t want my family to leave me.  I don’t think I could reconcile with God after something like that happened.
3. To not make a difference.  Everyone wants to be important to the rest of the world, and I want to be remembered.  To make history, to have significance to someone other than myself.  I am afraid that in one hundred years I will be no more than a name on a family tree.

These fears right now seem logical to me, but maybe the saying is true that that every fear is irrational.  Maybe there is no such thing as an irrational fear…

As we are doing this examination of the supernatural aid, it has come to my attention that friends weigh a lot into your life.  More than you think.  However, I have also noticed that there are three types of people (regarding friends).  The first type of person has one hundred best friends.  He or she keeps confidence in all of them and essentially has no secrets or values one friend over the other, believing that each friend has the same gifts.  The second type of person has one or two best friend, in who he/she confides everything.  While over the years the two best friends could change, a small number of individuals close to him/her is constant.  This person trusts no one fully except for the two best friends.  Yet a third group of people exist though,  and I place myself in this category.  People like me have very few “best friends,” though they claim otherwise at times.  Instead, people like me (mistrusting, cynically, and less couragous individuals), have many aqaintences adn try to have those aquaintences bridge the best friend gap in their lives.  While some individuals may do this job better then others, individuals like me try to spread the wealth, hoping that by only telling some one thing and others another, no one individual can completely ruin them.  While I am not always proud of being in this category, it is the truth.

However, I have found in (while thinking about the supernatural aid unit), that each of my “best friends” does something different for me.  Some of my friends come very close to that “best friend” category, while others satisfy just one component of what I require from a friend.  While I’m sure I will miss people in writing this list, I decided to just compose a list of some of my friends, and what they help to complete in the concept of a friend.

1. The Friend You Get to Bail You Out of Jail.  This would most definitely be my brother .  If I had one phone call, I would call him, just because I know that he would come–at any hour of the night, no matter what I did, no matter if we were fighting–and save me.  He wouldn’t ask questions if I said I didn’t want to talk about it, and he would never hold this over my head.
2. The Friend to Call if You Want to Just Laugh.  I would call my friend Megan.  Though she and I have serious talks and often I am her “voice of reason,” she is one of the only people in the world where I don’t have to be the serious, success-driven Kristin Froehle, but rather can be the Kristin with a sense of humor.
3. The Friend to Call if You Need a Drink at Starbucks.  Kathleen Hannah, you are my girl.  If ever I just wanted to sit down and talk with someone, no matter the hour or time, Kathleen Hannah would be there at Starbucks, talking her way into a free drink with the burrista, ready to listen to me or just chat.
4. The Friend to Call if You Want to Shop.  Shockingly, this is not Catherine Johnson (sorry, ceige!).  I think here I would call my lovely friend…my mother.  Not only is her taste impecable for a forty-five year old, and not only does she have a credit card, but she is also fun to walk through the store with, mocking rediculous outfits, making jokes about the fact that neither of us is a size zero, and using sarcasm, wit, and kindness to remind me that above all, my mother is my friend.
5. The Friend to Call when No One Else is Answering.  This probably has the incorrect connotation, and she will probably kill me for saying this, but Catherine Johnson is most definitely this person.  Catherine is the girl that is there for me at all times of the day or night, when no one else gives a crap.  I always know I can call Catherine up and within minutes, no matter what else she is doing, she will be calling me back, because she cares that much.
6. My Friend to Eat Ice Cream With.  One of my oldest friends, Sara Vik, who now attends Pike High School, takes this place in my mind.  She is one of those people that you can just chill with, and not worry about anything other than how you are going to burn off the calories the next day.
7. The Friend to Argue Irrationally with.  Shoutout to Alon Farahan, who (no matter what), will pick a fight with me if all I want to do is yell at someone that day.  If I say I just want to be argumentative, he will find something to argue about.  It is actually extremely healing.
8. The Friend to Call when You Need a Reality Check.  My friend Jay knows me as well as most of my family members.  He is the one I always go to when I have lost focus on who I am.  He can listen to my stories and in the end, end up saying, “Kristin, what the hell are you doing?” or “That doesn’t sound like you.”  I know he is not judging, but rather reminding me of who I am.
9. The Friend I Call for Homework Help (and to talk about Twilight).  Aron Theising never gets irrtated when I just don’t understand that math problem (okay, who am I kidding?  I never do math at home!  Let’s say Chemistry lab report help).  He never makes me feel stupid when I don’t understand what concentration is, even though that was chapter two and we’re on chapter sixteen.  And also, if I ever need to make an Edward Cullen reference, then most definitely he will understand completely.
10. The Friend I Go to When I Need to Relieve My Conscious.  My dad, though I don’t often consider him my friend because I admire him so much, serves a great purpose in being completely understanding.  I think I could walk up to him and say, “hey dad, I just killed someone,” and he would be like, “don’t worry.  We will figure it out.”  He would be patient and listen to me cry, hugging me despite the fact that I did something terribly wrong.
11. The Friend to Call When You Don’t Want to Pay.  My friend Ryan and I sometimes get Mexican food on Friday nights.  Though I don’t like him just for his credit card, I will admit that he knows how to treat someone right.  He and I have good conversation all night, I always feeling like I get more from him than he does from me (no sex pun intended…chill out guys!), but at the end of the night, he always claims he needs to pay because “it wouldn’t be fair after you (I) talked to me (him) all night.”
12. The Friend You Call up for Mockery.  Props to Patrick Kennedy, the master of silent mockery.  I have never laughed so much as on fives, when Patrick throws me one of the quizzical Jim Halpert looks and I know exactly what he means.  Patrick’s knowledge of the world (or, rather, random facts no one but he knows or cares about), makes conversation with him that much funnier.
13. The Friend To Call if You Need To Get Your Car Jumped.  I would instantly call Jacob.  While Mr. Bonifield seems sometimes too indifferent to come and help you jump your car, this is falsehood.  Not only is he rather good at jumping cars, he worries about things like you waiting in the cold for someone else to come jump your car.
14. The Friend I Call to “Girltalk” With.  Sara Staszak may not strike you as someone who is a Girl-talker.  Because she is not.  She will listen to me though–my guy troubles, my latest gossip (though I don’t do that anymore), and my pettiest problems and irritations she listens to, despite the fact that she is obviously above all that.  Props to her for doing this, I know I do not reciprocate often.
15. The Friend to Pass Five Hours at Work With.  In her own words, “Booo” because she no longer works that many hours, but I should give credit to Karly Geisse for putting up with me for multiple hours on end without failing.  She gets bonus points for the fact that she can make me laugh without saying anything funny, but just being Karly.
16. The Friend to Travel With.  Laura Seiferth, many thanks for being my two-week traveling companion in Greece and Italy.  By far, some of the funniest and most carefree moments in my life came from that point in time, and I must say that without her on that trip, I would have not had as much fun.  She and I spent so much time together that I realized of all the pictures I took (aobut 2000), she is in about a fourth of them…she has more individual shots in there than I do.  Lol.
17. The Friend to Compliment You.  If I’m ever feeling depressed, I call up my friend Chris.  He is one of hte nicest people you will ever meet and certainly is one of my biggest fans.  We’ve known each other ten years, and the fact of the matter is that never has he once criticized me.  I don’t know how he can know what he knows about me and stil not criticize, but it is possible.  Whenever I am feeling inadequate, a lunch with him will help to regain my confidence in myself.
18. The Friend to Talk Politics With.  I can’t stand most of the people on my debate team in terms of talking politics.  Half of them are smarter than me and therefore I can’t compete with when it comes ot arguing and the other half I don’t agree with.  Despite the fact that Barrett Tenbarge falls into both of the these categories, he is more open than one expects and therefore I would have to say that he makes my list of people to talk to about politics.  I can have a discussion with him and come out feeling enlightened rather than angry.
19. The Friend to Make My Gripe List With.  Yay Sophia Yoo!  She is by far one of the best people I know for telling how stressed I am.  Not only has she been there, done that, but she also knows the power of just telling someone, “I don’t think I can do this anymore.”  She always responds with a powerful, “Yes, you can.” and then uses her sage wisdom to tell me that it’s almost over.
20. The Friend to Get Real With.  If ever I become phased by what I like to refer to as the “Carmel” side of Brebeuf, a period in orchestra with Moriah Hohman brings me down to earth.  She’s honest in a way that does not seem bitter, but rather seems like she is just telling it like it is.  She remains positive throughout.  You gotta love that.
21. The Friend to Call to Watch a Scary Movie with.  Em Fran is all over this.  Not only do I hate scary movies, but I literally find myself incapable of watching the whole movie.  Covering my eyes is essential.  However, Em knows that the day after I will be bragging to everyone that I watched that.  Only a true friend can make you suffer for your own good.
22. The Friend to Ask How Your Outfit Looks.  My friend Meera can always just blantantly say no if that’s how she feels.  She has no problem being blantantly honest with me.  She knows it won’t hurt my feelings, adn therefore it isn’t an issue.  Her honesty is something I value greatly.
23. The Friend I Go to For a Hug.  Kat Overhage has never hesitated to hug me, or anyone for that matter.  Her friendly persona makes her a lovable person.  Thank God some touchy-feely people exist in the world (I certainly am not that way most of the time).
24. The Friend I Can Play the Island Game With.  Stephanie Bruns is there to talk about the top five hypothetical guys, or tell me how the last episode of The Office was, discussing in detail what she would do were she in that world.  It’s nice to have someone who can be this fictional.  Many other people just role there eyes and say, “Get real!” but Stephanie just says, “Fun!”
25. The Friend who Makes Jokes About Herself.  Despite the fact that she knows I’m a huge liberal and that she knows sometimes I want to kill her for her viewpoints, Gabriel Rubenstein gets poinst in my books for still being able to laugh at herself and her opponents.  A rare find for so many!

Thanks to all my friends for filling in different gaps.  I realized I am flawed in not putting all my power into you, but I can tell you that I love them all tremendously and only hope I can do as much for them as they do for me.

Okay, so it’s about ten thirty on Sunday night, and I was thinking what I could possibly write about.  For once in my life, I was feeling completely uncompelled to write (and decided to just go and post a Youtube video or something), but then decided against it because it seems I had an idea.  No promises on the writing though.

So for Lent I decided to give up gossiping.  I’m not going to tell you that before this I considered myself a huge gossiper, but there have been a few areas in my life where I like to tell tales (more about myself than anyone else).  While I am pretty loyal when a secret is specifically given to me and I’m told such in confidence, without the promise I normally like to pass on what I know.  So giving this up was something that I hoped would help me reexamine how much I talked about others (in negative ways).  Through this experiment I have found three things.

1. You are less interesting when you don’t gossip.  I hate to say this, but it seems to be true.  I have run several test experiments now and though I promised not to gossip, not many people know that.  This has led me lately to try and throw people for a loop.  I could be acting completely boring for about an hour and then close by saying, “you’ll never guess what” and everyone leans in drastically to listen.  Weird. And sad.
2. It’s hard to define the parameters of gossiping.  There have been so many times where I have broken my own parameters about gossiping merely because I haven’t been able to define gossip.  Is gossiping telling everyone something positive about another person?  Is gossiping telling a story about yourself and exaggerating a little?  What if you are passing on information, but it involves you?  Is telling a friend something in confidence gossip?  What if someone is gossiping to you?  Are you obligated to tell them to stop?  Can you nod, or are you then partaking in the action? I’m not so sure about any of it anymore.  I find that silence is most preferred when trying to avoid gossip, but really (for me) that is quite difficult.
3. Irony is a biotch.  You have no idea how many interesting things I’ve heard this week that I want to tell someone.  I am trying to be Holy though, and have (thus far) restrained.  Don’t hold me to that though.  I really want to talk to my best friends soon.  Also, it seems in giving up gossip, I have encountered it more and more this week.  A friend I reconciled with said he would only talk to me if I apologized for spreading rumors about him.  We had an hour long discussion about what I had done to him in the past month in terms of telling lies.  The funny thing is that for half of that I couldn’t possibly have said anything, but no matter….point being we were talking about gossiping and trying to make up, but I had to apologize for it.  I have also been on the recieving end of such a conversation.  i spent a great majority of my last half of the week trying to silence a false rumor about me.  At least it emphasized how much I wish people would just shut up.  I’m glad that at least for the next twenty-five or so days I can be one of the shutter-uppers.

Lent always makes me laugh because it’s forty days when we are supposed to remember God.  My question is why we can’t remember God all the time and just stop whatever we gave up for good.  People who give up candy load up after Easter.  Those who swear off TV find themselves spending a heck of a lot of time in April and May in front of the “tube.”  Do we really stop what we are doing, or is this merely one of those religious practices that we feel obligated to do?

Either way, I hope that I can at least cut down (and be more aware) of my gossiping after Lent.  It’s an odd balance between gossiping and talking and living and discussing.  I haven’t quite gotten there yet, but hopefully after the ultimatim is lifted I can find proper balance.

For those of you who don’t know.  I just got back from Kairos.  Essentially speaking, the best Brebeuf experience of my life.  I came back from this lovely event feeling happy, self-directed, and rejuveated.  When I told follow Kairos alums of my happiness upon my return, they laughed, merely saying “don’t worry…it will disappear fast.”

On Kairos, everyone is equal.  There are no parents there to tell you that you need to listen to what they say.  On Kairos, everyone tells the truh.  No one lies to you about what they did or didn’t say.  On Kairos, everyone is reflective.  No one immaturely asks for something that only a five-year-old would ask for.  On Kairos, everyone is happy.  There is no such things as Monday blues.

And then you re-enter the world.  The real world.  The one that makes me sometimes sad.  Because, seriously.  It hasn’t been one week and already I found myself slipping back into things that I promised myself I wouldn’t return to after Kairos.  I had three resolutions coming off Kairos that I will disclose, and then give several examples of my failures in those areas.  Please note, for all of you who have yet to go on Kairos: some people come back making tons of resolutions, some people come back just being able to reflect better on their own lives, and some people just come back rejuvenated and happy.  All are good results, but if the former approach (mine) does not sound appealing to you, that doesn’t mean that you won’t enjoy Kairos.  All I can say to you…GO!

Resolution One: Work harder to respect my parents.  I realized while I was on Kairos that I don’t appreciate my parents for what they are worth.  Comparitively speaking, I have a parents who give me lots of freedom and trust me (including by giving me a later curfew then most of my friends).  However, in the past week, this freedom has frequently not sufficed, and arguments have arisen.  Admittedly, the last two out of three nights, I have gone to bed normally in tears, refusing to say goodnight to either my mom or my dad.  The side in me that was affected by Kairos (that taught me to remember who I am at all times), wants to just crucify my entire being.  What was I thinking?  Am I already back to my “old” ways of not acknowledging those who love me most?

Resolution Two: Don’t Lie.  I learned that I mask the truth more often then not, whether it’s through hyperbole, omission, or just not being myself, I tend to exploit the truth for my own benefit.  Or did.  However, I wanted to change that.  But yet, as I get back, I find myself falling back into habits I told myself weren’t going to continue.  I told my parents I didn’t have homework, despite the fact that I had a math worksheet to finish.  I told myself I didn’t need to go to bed before two, yet I knew in my heart that I would be cranky the next morning as a result.  I find myself resorting to needing to be adequate to others, and therefore changing myself to please them.  Sad.  Am I really that unable to change myself when reentering the real world?

Resolution Three: Forgiveness.  I find myself trying to talk to all those people who I’ve wronged in the past three years.  However, in reflection, I find that my apologies are inadequate.  In fact, the last apology I gave to someone was a written two pages and the whole first page I spent explaining what the other person had done wrong.  Big problem!

I realize that part of Kairos is reflecting on yourself, and in doing/writing this blog, I am finding that truly I have changed.  No self-reflection like this would have existed before.  In scrutinizing my actions, I am living the Kairos goal.  However, I still have not achieved the true dream, because part of the true dream is to take your gifts back to the world (in true, pure, essence) and I obvioulsy have yet to impact the real world, but rather, have let it affect me.

What can I say?  The Kairos high sometimes kills.  Finding that balance is hard.  I’m working on it!

I’m not much of a poet, but here it is…

 

From the fire we come, but dust to dust

From ashes we grow do we return

As the same sun that rises will set

So too will the infant someday expire

 

To waste a journey in solitude

When to the dust we daily plod

Seems more or less inanity

To all but the cackling Devil’s eyes

 

Seclusion is for the poor man

Who knows not what he spurns

But rather embraces loneliness

Masking depression with scorn

 

To trod through existence, one

A plain set of footprints, all alone

Makes bad for the mind, the body,

Leads to many an unsatisfied soul

 

Let not your own pathway waiver

But rather, allow steps to shadow your own

For ambling to darkness is daunting

And no one dreams to walk alone

So I’m pretty sure that most of you have Facebooks, and therefore are now familiar with the term “25 Things,” but for those of you who have refused to convert to the new AIM (or whatever they’re calling it these days), then let me fill you in…

25 Things is what people can create on their facebook homepage.  Essentially, it’s twenty five of their most random thoughts, things about themselves, or offhand comments that have no relevance to life whatsoever.  However, this has spread like crazy and I found myself penning my own 25 things just the other day.  However, as I was writing down my twenty-five pretend errant thoughts (oh, come on!  We all know we try to make the comments sound offhand, but they are completely contrived!), I found myself questioning the stupidity of the practice.  Did anyone really care?  Who was going to read this? And what did it matter?

Finally, it dawned on my that this was kind of like the blog page.  Though I love it when people comment on my blog, do I write posts for them?  No.  Therefore, whether or not anyone finds my 25 Things funny doesn’t really matter.  And this realization made me happy.  I wasn’t trying for anyone.  Suddenly, when I had been so hesitant to find things to say about myself that seemed creative, I found myself comming up with a pleathera of good ones (after the fact, of course).  Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to write twenty-five more things about myself.  Some that have come to mind over the past few days, some that I’m just thinking up now.  I encourage all of you to redo yours, sans caring about what people will think…it makes for interesting items.

1. I am constantly worried that I will not be able to find the A pitch on a violin the next time I have to tune for rehersal.  It is a fear so deep that a sense of relief comes over me when I realize that I remember it.
2. I have really dark hair (don’t let the highlights fool you), and this made me have to start shaving my legs when I was in third grade, before half the girls in my class knew what shaving was!  Embarrassing as hell…hell yes!
3. There is no kind of weather I love more than when it is raining or snowing.  Nothing thrills me more to feel the wind before big storm, hearing the pitter-patter of the rain against my window at night, or seeing the snow fall for the first time in a long while.
4. Although I pretend to be very well informed, I normally don’t choose to read the paper on my own, and have to force myself to do educational reading.  Therefore, I’m no stud when it comes ot current events or international issues.
5. I’m slightly worried that I might have to take my father with me to college.  He is the only morning person in the family and though I’m almost to the point where I only need five alarms to wake myself up in a given morning, about once a week he has to bail me out.
6. I eat my cereal dry.  It doesn’t taste good with milk…at all!
7. I was almost beaten up in sixth grade because someone thought I was a pretentious know-it-all.  Scary thing…I kinda was.
8. I think I was either a teacher in one of my past lives, or that I will be one in another, because though I have no desire to go into education, it seems to circumstantially call to me in some way.
9. I have only ever chickened out of one rollercoaster…I was eight and it was Disney World’s Rockin’ Roller Coaster.
10. I can always tell before I’m about to throw up.  So much so that I can normally give a half hour’s notice.
11. I hate fast food.  Breakfast fast food makes me nacious, I don’t like steak and chicken, which leaves me really with only Taco Bell, Subway, and various offhand entres at weird places.
12. My radio station presets are WFYI/NPR, Z95.5, 92.3 World Class Rock, 100.9 Radio Now, 98.3 Radio Disney, and the Ipod Station to plug my Ipod into.
13. I have a love/hate relationship with clothes shopping.  Sometimes I feel the urge to go shop wih friends, but sometimes I also wish I had never gone out shopping in the first place.  (I have only ever tried on bathing suits once in my memory without crying!)
14. I have kind of a stadistic love of heels.  They make me feel taller and more powerful, but I guess that also shows I’m self-conscious, because I’m constantly worried that everyone’s taller than me.  And, finally, to quote Reggie Gianaris, “they really make your legs look sexy!.”
15. I’m probably only going to graduate with two varsity letters from Brebeuf…speech/debate and orchestra. LOL!
16. I do not like gum.  I never have gum, and I never take it when people offer it.  Quite frankly, I just don’t see the point.  And it’s gross and disgusting when you have to spit it out.
17. I am always worried that if I text someone back too quickly it will show that I have no better things to do, even though in all reality I pretty much have my phone on me 24/7, just out of necessity.
18. I hit 111111 miles on my Honda Pilot today, which is a mess.  To be fair, I don’t take good enough of a car that performs so well.  She can go a hundred miles per hour with no sweat, carry eight stinking soccer kids anywhere, appear slightly too small to be a “soccer” mom van, and also pull a u-ie like a little car.  Worth the gas mileage, let me tell you.
19. I have always had a weakness when it comes to vocabulary (much to my English-teacher-mom’s distress).  Frequently, I misuse words, and while people at school often buy it because they know I’m smart, my family does not.  Normally, they end up laughing and calling me the idiot of the family. Lol.
20. I refused to sign the abstinence card in seventh grade when a high school group came around and essentially forced my entire class into doing it.  I was the only kid to refuse.  interesting that two girls who signed it are now pregnant.  I did so on principle though, and not because I’m some sex fanatic (don’t anyone dare to comment on that last remark!)
21. I simply hate scary movies.  Like with a deepset passion.  Essentially I have to willingly release all control on my life (willingly?  Okay, okay, Emily Francisco makes me!).  I have only seen like four scary movies/psychological thrillers in my life and while afterwards I’m literally not freaked at all, those ninty minutes are the worst form of hell I can imagine.  Yay control freaks!
22. From the time I was very young I made a list of all the things I wanted to do in my life.  This list is about five pages long as I add to it every year (and don’t seem to get much crossed off) and contains everything from “running for president someday” to “teaching as a ski instructor for a year” to “being in a parade” to “getting a 4.0 high school GPA.”  It’s an interesting list.
23. If I had all the money in the world, I’m pretty convinced I’d spend it all on travel.  I mean, I would like to believe that I’d give it all to charity and continue to live my life, but I’m thinking no, as I have an insane passion for travel and am willing to drop just about any amount of money to do so.
24. My resume always looks interesting to me because the things that often I’m most passionate about are not usually the things I excel at.  I love playing soccer, violin, and being a political activist, yet none of those things do I have some official title for.
25. One of my most prized possessions is my feather bed.  I love it more than most other things in my household. I’d probably attempt to save it in a fire.  This is probably because my favorite time of day is night time. It feels so peaceful to be working on something (or doing nothing but reading, watching TV, or just sitting and thinking) without the hecticness the day brings.  I hate being stressed out at night, and normally avoid it at all costs by cancling anything that is going to cause pandemonium.